Loss
by The Writer Gal
Summary: Linn Shepard has lost the love of her life, Thane Krios. And the time has come for her to visit his grave.


_LOSS_

The calm and peace of that place and that Fall afternoon are disturbed by the huge noise of the engines of a Shuttle landing. It spins around slightly as it lands, the doors open with a whistle and a woman jumps out. Zippering her brown leather jacket until her neck and furrowing her hands in her pockets, she gazes around her as the wind blows a brand of hair over her face. The silence… the peace. And the loneliness of that place are walls, squeezing her heart. She never visited that place…. She never had the heart for it.

- Courage, Linn…. – she whispers to herself as she gazes at the gate of steel not far from her position, the graves popping out of the land like dead trees.

With a deep breath, Linn starts walking slowly towards the Cemetery.

(The Samaritan Hospital of the Citadel, 03:20am Citadel Timezone)

An Asari nurse walks down the corridor, carrying a dapatad in her hands. She stops next to Linn and speaks gently.

- Commander… he wants to see you…. – Her friendly and carrying tone sound too fake for Linn.

She has her head low, gazing at her joined hands. She had been sat in that corridor for hours along, waiting, praying, and crying. Deep inside her she knew it was over. He was going to die. She looks up at the nurse and gives her a quick nod, blinking slowly. As she stands up, she wipes off the tears and clears her throat, a bit embarrassed. After all, she was Commander Shepard, the saviour of the Humanity….. the Hero of the Citadel….. the….. the lonely crying woman going to see the love of her life die.

- Is….. is he ok? – her voice sounds hoarse and low, she was tired, hadn't sleep since several days. But more than exhausted, she was desperate.

After a pause, looking at her, the nurse places a hand on Linn's arm, gesturing to her to walk.

- You should come with me, Commander….. he….. he -really- needs to see you.

Silently, Linn lets herself be leaded by the nurse in the corridor. She folds her arms after put a brand of hair behind her ear. She didn't want to go there. She didn't want to see him dying.

- He's here… he can't talk too much, though…. – The Asari says as they stop walking in front of a door, with the number 2129 engraved in a small stain plate at the top of the door.

Linn hesitates for some seconds, gazing at the handle. Behind that door, he was laying in the bed. Weak. Fragile. She wasn't sure if she wanted to see him like this. She didn't want to keep this last memory of him. She wanted to remember him as the strong and fierce man he used to be. The one able to kill and after pray for the souls of his victims. The one which his hands could kill with such ability, but also could caress and hold her face so lovingly.

- Commander… you must do it. For him… he needs to see you one last time. – The nurse says placing a hand on Linn's shoulder, her voice sounding now really sad and concerned.

- I… I know…. It's just that I'm not sure if I can handle the sight of him so….. so weak…

- Your presence will make him die happy….. give him this last gift.

Linn and the nurse change an understanding glance. Swallowing heavily, Linn finally holds the handle and turns it, pushing the door slowly.

- Courage, Commander…. – The nurse whispers gently and stepping back.

Linn walks inside of the bedroom, she could feel her heart pounding in her temples. Across the room, he was laying in a bio-bed next to the window. His breath was heavy, unstable. His eyes closed.

Wiping off her face a new time, Linn walks slowly towards the bio-bed. Once beside him, she gazes down at him and muffles a sob. He was so skinny….. so weak. His chest arched unstably as he tried to breath.

- T-Thane? – She called in a whisper.

Slowly he opens his dark eyes and gazes up at her. A small smile curls on his lips.

- Siha….

"Oh my God….. he's so weak….." She thinks to herself, her heart destroyed. "Don't do it to me, Lord….. please….."

He reaches up a trembling hand, and she immediately holds it between hers as she sits in the edge of the bio-bed.

- Siha, I…. - He whispers softly.

- Shhhh….. don't talk… stay still, my love….. – she says squeezing his hand and kissing it gently.

- Siha…. Listen to me… - He says before cough heavily, his face turning into a mask of pain and suffering.

- Thane, please…..

The cough finally stops and he looks up at her, his hand trying to squeeze hers.

- My time has come, Siha….. but I couldn't leave this existence without telling you something.

- Thane, no….. – She mutters keeping his hand between hers and in front of her mouth, kissing it several times.

- I wanted….. I wanted to thank you….. You saved me….. I had gave up on life before meet you…. You gave me hope… You gave me a purpose….. Because of you I could talk to my son once again, and finally found the forgiveness for Irikah's death….. I saved many lives….. and I owe it to you.

- Don't thank me….. You don't need to. – She says crying, cracking a small smile at him.

His dark eyes keep staring at her, and he smiles again, releasing her hands and touching the side of her face, wiping off a tear with his thumb.

- You are so beautiful, my Siha….. I want to keep the sight of your face as my last memory….

- Don't leave me… - She whispers, breaking down and crying.- I beg you…. Don't leave me….

- I'm so sorry… - He whispers back at her.

Linn leans forward, and ever so gently she places a kiss on his lips. They were incredibly cold. He returns the kiss, the best as he could, and joining his last strengths, he holds his arms around her, pulling her into his chest. She lays in the bed with him, her head resting on his chest. His breath was so heavy and hoarse, his lungs were in the edge of their strength. Her head moved up and down very slightly and unstably as he tried to breath.

- Never forget that I love you, Siha….. and even if I don't belong to this world anymore…. I will be always watching over you…

- I love you too…. – She whispers closing her eyes, holding him in her arms.

Suddenly his chest remains still. Her head stops moving up and down. She couldn't hear his breath anymore. Slowly, she raises her head and gazes up at him.

- Thane?...

His eyes were closed, his arm was still wrapped around her. His face looked so peaceful.

- Thane…. Oh God….. wake up….. don't do it… - She says as she covers her mouth, muffling her loud cry.

The cold wind blows her hair over her face again, and she places some brands of hair behind her ears, making her way among the graves. Far away, she could listen some birds tweeting. At the Hospital, Thane had asked her to not go to the Ocean after his death. He wanted a grave. A place where she could visit him. They had chosen the cemetery of Horizon. But since his death, three months ago, she never visited him. She hadn't the heart for it. During his wake and burial she had remained totally silent, she hadn't cried. Maybe because she had cried all her tears at the hospital, leaned over his corpse. Cursing him, telling him that he was being selfish for leaving her alone… begging him to come back… Some minutes of walking later, she spots his grave, under a tree. She stops walking, breathing deeply and sadly, hesitating to continue. She couldn't accept his death. She couldn't accept that she would never see him again, never listen to his voice or feel the warmth of his hands touching her face before a kiss, never feel his arms around her, holding her so gently and protectively. He had been her salvation, he had gave her a purpose in her life other than kill….. other than be the Saviour of the Humanity. He had gave her the purpose of being a woman, the purpose of love and be loved. And since he died, a part of herself died as well. She spent her days working and working, sometimes not sleeping for days along. And when it happened, she used to fall asleep in the Life Support, in the couch were he slept before. Her crew was worried about her. She looked exhausted, she barely ate for days along, and had became someone cold and sad. Linn was alone, was suffering, was destroyed.

- Do it for him… he deserves it…. – She whispers looking at the grave.

Her footsteps are hesitating, slow. Her heart was beating heavily in her chest. Once in front of the crucifix, she stands there, gazing down at it. Biting her lips and closing her eyes, she starts crying, lowering her head, her chin only some inches from her chest.

- Oh my God, your stupid Drell…. – She says finally, falling on her knees in front of the grave. – Why did you leave me?

Hiding her face behind her hands, Linn finally breaks down, and cries loudly, sitting in her ankles.

- I HATE YOU! I FUCKING HATE YOU! – She shouts hitting her hands in her lap, tears rolling down her cheeks and falling on her thighs. – Why you left me? Why? – Her sobs make her whole body tremble, she gasps as she cries, suffocating a bit, unable to breath correctly.

She cries her heart out, she had been hiding it deep inside her since three months. She couldn't take it anymore. She needed to go there. She needed to face it…. Face the fact that he would never come back to her.

- O-oh Thane…. I'm so sorry….. – She says as she brushes her hair back, her cheeks wet by her tears. - I should come here…. Before… but I never could…. Oh God, my life is senseless without you….

Moving slowly, Linn finally lays on the ground under the crucifix, right above Thane's coffin, holding her legs against her chest.

- You were everything to me… and these last months were the worse of my life….. I don't know how I will do… Oh God…. I miss you so much…..

A slight breeze blows over her face, and Linn closes her eyes. Slowly, she starts to calm down. The breeze keeps blowing over her, drying her tears.

- Arukta kameli, Siha….. Inita barukina…. Matnig filata... – She says in Thane's mother language. He had told her this sentence once, and she never forgot it. It meant "I love you, Siha…. Never forget it….. I'm with you."

The sun had disappeared behind the horizon, and some stars could already be seen in the sky. Linn has no idea of how long she had laid there. One hour? Two? It wasn't important. Still crying softly, she falls asleep, and what wakes her up is the feeling of a hand touching her cheek.

- "Matnig filata, Siha…."

- THANE! – She shouts as she sits up on the grave, looking around her. She touches her cheek, gazing around her. Only the signal lights of her shuttle could be seen far away, across the Cemetery and behind the gate. She was completely alone. – Thane….

With a deep sigh, she wipes her face and still sat on the ground, she folds her legs, resting her elbows on her knees and brushing her hair back with both hands. Did he touch her face? Did he talk to her? Did…..?

- No…. no, he's not here… he is…. Damnit…..

She stands up and turning around, she faces the crucifix again. This time though, she was feeling warm inside. It was like….. like if he was with her. Linn folds her arms, looking at the crucifix, then up at the sky. The stars were sparking above her, and even the two moons of Horizon were shinning brightly in the sky. Gazing down at the grave again, Linn smiles slightly.

- Itgna milu, ni aruk... numie init barukina... Arukta kameli, Thane, Matnig filata... Forever… "Thank you, my love…. I will never forget you….. I love you, Thane, I'm with you…. Forever."

Linn blows a kiss over the grave, and furrowing her hands in her pockets again, she starts walking towards the gate, and again she feels that strange and warm breeze blowing over her from behind, like arms holding and assuring her. Thane was with her. He'd stay with her forever.

"Matnig filata, Siha….."


End file.
